I just hate hurting!

I guess tonight I am just having another one of those nights.¬† I just hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Of course being depressed doesn’t exactly help that either. Being depressed leads to feeling worthless and fat and ugly and all those other wonderful¬†things that go along with it. I miss being positive sometimes. I miss feeling like I had something to live for. Something to look forward to. I wish I could just crawl in bed and stay there for weeks on end. Classic depression right? I havent been taking my insulin. I don’t even remember the last time I did. When I hurt all the fucking time the last thing I want to do is add one more hurt. To stab myself, even for that tiny second it takes, just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. Nobody fucking gets that either. I don’t want to take my pills. My insulin. I don’t want to be fat and ugly and unlovable. I just want to sleep. I just want to be out of pain and forget everything and fucking sleep.

The clinical trial study I was supposed to begin on Friday has been closed. They are full. The one fucking hope I had been hanging onto for the last three weeks has been pulled out from underneath me like the proverbial rug I am gently balanced on. I’m so mad about that I just want to scream and cry. But even that does me no good and gets me nowhere. What the fuck am I supposed to do??!! No one seems to understand I don’t want to be this way. I’m not lazy. I am just physically fucking unable.

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I don’t know why

Sleep is escaping me tonight. So I decided to invent this blog, hence the title. I’ve managed to blog, in one shape or form, for years. Probably as long as the intrawebs have been around. So here I am world….come and get me.