Dear Blog

Is there anybody out there?
Is anyone listening ?
I’m quickly losing all hope here people…

This damned disease..

I’m sitting here this morning, I think it’s Friday. I just woke up and yet again, I’ve completely lost an entire chunk of a week. I’m numb. Everything hurts – from my hair to my toenails. I don’t remember when this flare started and I have no clue when it might end.
I’m sleeping my life away and everyone is sick and tired of it. Every Dr I’ve been too schedules another appointment, another test, 4 weeks down the road, with no answers for me at that time, and I leave in tears again, because I just want something right then! Something that will give me some hope! Something that will make my life slightly worth living right now! Something that will make it all hurt a little less, make my sleep a little more normal, make my brain a little more functional, make my life a little more like life!
No one has any answers. Everything’s chalked up to fibromyalgia . No one will listen to me when I’m silently screaming at the top of my lungs with every ounce of energy that I have left that I can’t live this way any longer!
It’s destroying me and everything that I have. My husband can’t physically wake me up, and what time we do spend together is peppered with those looks of disappointment, those talks of how I can’t do certain things. I can see in his face how sick of all of this he is getting. Who wants a wife who lays in bed day and night? Who can’t tend to his needs or remember to pay the bills on time?
In
the begining he tried to remind me to take care of myself. He would bring me my pills, make sure I always had a cold drink, rub my screaming muscles with every cream known to man and hold me and talk me through it while I cried. Now it’s like I don’t exist. I lay in my room while I’m down sometimes for days at a time. Sipping the same stale water from yesterday. Wearing the same clothes I laid down in. No one knows I exist. He watches tv in the living room, it feels like he’s a million miles away, and I know he’s come home from work. I don’t have the energy to do anything about it, and I don’t want to make anyone mad if they’re trying to stay away from me.
I understand, and I don’t, all at the same time.
I just want to be better! I just want some little piece of my life back!
I want someone to be able to tell me while I’m ok-ish for 4-5 days at a time, then it’s just like someone unplugs me. I get hit with a wave of pain and fatigue that not even the strongest man alive could fight off. It levels me! I curl into a ball and sleep. I sleep for 30 straight hours! I don’t eat! I don’t pee! I can’t move! Moving results in excruciating pain. I long for a cold drink but there’s nothing there and I don’t have the energy to yell for someone to bring me something. My phones to far away to call someone and I fall asleep again. When I wake up it takes me a full 12 hours to get functional again. The stiffness in my joints is unbearable. Moving my head causes waves of nausea and pain. Walking is dizzying.

Does anyone else go through this?

Migraines and children

I’ve had a nasty migraine for going on two full days now. One of those terrible ones, the kind that makes you vomit up things you don’t recall ever eating, so violently that every muscle in your body tightens and twists and burns for days. I wrapped my head in ice packs and shook and cried with pain. I writhed in my bed for hours and yelled at anyone who touched me.
Every smell was horrific and magnified times ten. Every movement felt like a 9.8 on the richter scale. I had to unplug the bathroom nightlight-it was like a flashlight shining right in my eyes.
I begged for someone to take me to the emergency room, but everytime I got up to go, I would either get hit with another wave of nausea, sending back to the nearest place to vomit or dry heave for twenty minutes, or I would go completely blind yet again with pain and my legs would go out from underneath me and all I could do was lay on the ground and shake.
Sleep finally found me in fits and phases here and there and the next 24 hours were a blur.
I’m up again now courtesy of Gavyn COMPLETELY breaking a huge rule, breaking my heart in the process, totally pissing off his father to the point of ME and the dogs sleeping on the couch, and my head once again pounding and approaching status migrainus.
So tomorrow is Gavyn’s Last Day of school before his big official graduation from middle school. They are having a big graduation ceremony and everything. He gets to wear a suit. He’s going to receive an award. They walk up on stage and everything. My Last Child. MY BABY.
So tomorrow . Last day at school. He wanted to do something crazy with his hair. Now, I love Gavyns hair. It’s beautiful . It’s shoulder length. Straight. Silky. Blonde. Just so pretty and amazing. He looks like a rock star. The girls all flock to him because of it. They all want to touch it.
There’s a barber shop right in the corner by our house an Gavyn asks if he can go and get a trim for tomorrow . Ok. Fine. We all talked it over, he needs a trim anyways, it’s all good. And we’ll get some of those colored gels and make it spikey and fun. One inch we tell him. He can go and get a TRIM and take off ONE INCH.
OH MY GOD.
My son walks in this house an hour later with both sides of his frickin head shaved and an 18 inch MOHAWK sticking off the top of his damned head!!!
THE DAY BEFORE HIS GRADUATION!
I burst into tears and ran into the other room. I want to kill him. His father wants to strangle him. What am I supposed to do? His beautiful hair!!! It’s all gone!!! Except for the racing stripe down the middle!! How is he supposed to take pictures with his 87 year old grandfather with THAT hair at Graduation?? I’m just sick!
Sicker than usual!
What am I going to do????

Anger and the Teenage Son

So I don’t know what on earth I am supposed to do about my newly 14 year old son. He has gotten to the point where I don’t ever recognize him. He is Angry. At. Everything. AllOfTheFuckingTime. He stays in his room 24/7.  We try to talk to him and he blows us off. Or completely blows up and it turns into a giant fight. He burned 4 giant holes in his  ARM last week because he was “bored”.  Everyone from the school called to tell us about it and his constant picking at them, causing deeper, more infected holes in his arm that are going to leave giant scars. When we asked him to stop or cover them up  he said “why, I don’t have nothing to be ashamed about”, and I tried to explain to him “its nothing to brag about or show off either” and he flipped out on me. We’re going to counseling. He is on a first name with the principal and the counselor at his school, both of whom have changed the way they do things so that they can have an open door policy with him. He is welcome to leave his class at any time he wishes and go and talk to them.

He blames everything but himself.

He has ADHD and takes daily medication for it. Then he goes into a diatribe about how he hates taking his pills. He hates taking medication of any kind. They’re all Drugs and they’re all bad for you. And they are what makes him angry. Even on the days when he doesn’t take them. Even after 6 hours when the short acting pills are out of his system. Again he flipped and wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. Just kept screaming that I was calling him a drug addict. Or making him one…

Then it was because we make him do chores. He has four tiny chores a day! FOUR!!!! 

1. Bring the dirty dishes out of your room. (just put them on the counter,not even wash them!!)

2. Refill the dogs water water dish (there’s a filled 1 gallon water bottle next to the bowl, just lift and pour!)

3. Put his laundry off his bedroom floor into the basket in the bathroom (not rocket science,right?)

CRAP. Time to get the Monster up for school. Remind me to come back and finish this later.

Funny how lyrics fit life so well sometimes(this was two years ago, and it still fits so well today)

I’m so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change
I’ll never be the same
It’s always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don’t wanna live that way
Every chance they get they’re always pushing me awayIt’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

It’s all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone’s deranged
I’m just so fucked up and I’m never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They’re always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don’t wanna live that way
Every chance they get they’re always shoving me aside

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’M DONE!

In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I’ve been given
I am what I am

I’d rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I’d rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can’t

It’s never enough, it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter who I try to be
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter how I try to taste
It’s never enough, never never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

That’s it I’ve had enough of trying to make this right
When it’s your hateful ways towards me that gives you life
So I will say my prayers before I go to sleep
And you can be damned sure you won’t be in my dreams

Now if you look at the clock you’ll see the time has run out
You were full of confusion and you left me with nothing but doubt
But it’s all over now so go and ask god for break
Cause I’m not going anywhere and you’ve took all you can take

So take your words that are worthless and leave
Because when you are here I cannot breathe
I have lost my mind and I have lost my pity
And you took everything away and have nothing to give me

I’m tired of the crying and of the confusion
I’m hurt so bad from this whole twisted illusion
You got what you wanted even though I begged you not to
And I’m left here alone with nothing to hold onto
Thank you for the daily pain and nightly agony
Thank you for everything you never did for me
Thank you for hurting me so that I would hate you
Thank you for all the poor quality memories
Thank you for the little bittersweet brutalities
Thank you for hurting me so that I would hate you

Thank you for hurting me
With one last jab of disdain
Thank you for letting me see
Loving you could be only pain

Thank you for unkind words
That broke the tie in my heart
You pushed me from still caring
To never wanting a part

Of promises made and broken
Of one who wants the love of two
I still could have been your friend
But that wasn’t enough for you

What did you think would happen
That it could go on this way for years?
All i got from the situation
Was a broken heart and tears

I got tired of taking such hate
And have nothing to say or do
It all was just a big mistake
I never should have loved you

You did this all to me and you
You did it to her as well
Disguising your love as heaven
When it was a self-centered hell

So here’s the blame handed
Back to you where it belongs
Don’t give me any lectures
Or sing any done me wrong songs

So muddle along with make do
You don’t deserve my fire
I’m sure you laid the blame on me
And to her I’m still the liar

Maybe she’ll believe you again
And patch it all up like brand new
Maybe she’ll still be a fool
Blaming me and believing in you

Thank you for all the hateful words
You spoke before you knew
The truth of who said and did what
I’m so glad I won’t love you

You try to convince yourself and her
That you’re some kind of innocent lamb
It’s going to feel so good crossing that line
From caring to not giving a damn

Betty’s not here anymore….you killed her…so she writes

Oh, the city rain
It floods the city streets
And in my city bed
Out of my fuckin’ head
Is it snowing in space?
God I wish I could talk to you
Is it snowing in space?

Hey, I know you cannot hear me now
‘Cause you’re wide awake and fast asleep
But I love you no more and now
Colors inside your head go spinning around
Like a ferris wheel
Exploding and falling to the ground
Oh, people are screaming, people are screaming
And you, you’re fucking dreaming
Oh, people are shouting, people are freaking
I’m just staring at the ceiling
Waiting for the feeling
Oh, oh but then you don’t bother to call,
I know she’s not the one
Makes me want to hit you harder
Makes me want to be a little stronger
Still I see monsters
Still I see monsters

Takin’ bullets for the team,
I really miss you.
I really miss you?
I really miss you!
You fucked me over a million times
You fucked you over a million times
You fucked us over a million times
You fucked me over a million times
And you died,
I wish you died,
I hoped you really died
Dreamed and wished and begged and bled and cried and screamed
Died, died, you really died

I am going to push them way
Fall into the leaves of the winter trees
Drowning, slowly, lonely, my city of rain
And fire and rain on the streets

It’s you against me most days
It’s me against you
Making snow angels in the gravel and the dirt
Crawling like a spider.

every time i want to remember you..
i close my eyes..
i haven’t seen you in so long..

i close my eyes..
remembering images..memories..pictures..
the first thing that i remember
is that picture of you..
with your hot pink hair and funky shirt…
u sent it to me to scan for your iam page
i remember your gaze in the picture
i feel like that picture spoke to me..
calling out for me..
i longed to be there with you
i long to be with you..

i daydream all the time..
most of my day im thinking of you..
my mind keeps drifting to you..

i get mad at myself..
im forgetting
i dont want to forget..
i dont remember anymore..
it was so long ago..
it hurts so much that i dont remember..

i forgot so many things..
but what i will always have is the way that u made me feel..

i feel small and inadequate now..
no one has ever made me feel that special..

i close my eyes again..
thinking of you..
looking so handsome.
you hugged me so tight
that u cried..
i couldn’t believe it u cried..

i long for that hug
i long for that day

its not healthy to think about u like this..
i cant help myself..
i try
i try

till today songs on the radio remind me of you.
i cant even listen to them..
it hurts so bad..

i wish that one day you pick up the phone and call me..
and tell me
that you miss me
and that you will always love me..

its pathetic that i still have hope..
i wait for news that you guys ended it.
i know thats mean..
but i think that we are meant to be..
and that we are destined to be together..

so naive..
i think deep down im still that naive girl..
yearning for love and attention..

in my sleep i usually wake up with tears..
another day without you..
do you know that ever day i look at my phone
hoping for a message a call anything from you

every day i wake up a little bit disappointed
every night i dream of you and hope that you come back..

i am lost without you
i am not complete..

if i hear someone talk like that id think there so corny
im not usually the romantic mushy type..
this is from my heart..

i dream of you
i wait for you
i long for you
i am still madly deeply in love with you..

to my sadness and despair..this is still the case..

dear god..please get me out of this..
i want to be ok
i want to move on..

i will go to bed..
still with hope in my heart..

The most beautiful line is “But, I love you.” The most painful line is “I love you, but…” See the difference?

this house is so quiet tonight
theres no one breathing on the couch
the tvs not on
theres no one to talk to
or steal away with for a midnight cigarette
i realize its over
but that doesnt make it hurt any less
or make the pain slightly less searing
or the blood any colder as it runs down my legs
it was all one big fucking game to you
to her
i was
i am
i wish i were more dead on the outside
rather than just on the inside
i wish i had been more real to you in the end
than her fake smile and cold heart will be to you
in the end
go play house now
in yur castle of dreams
in your land of unicorns and puppies
in your reality of make believe
tomorrow i will work on picking up my pieces
and rebui;ding the walls i used to live inside of
safe behind
and set about systematicaly destroying you
the way you both fucking deserve
for what you have done to me

Te’ll me I’m not the only one in the world like this? It just can’t be

It’s been 8 days. It feels like such a fucking lifetime. It feels like forever inside my head. My heart is so empty. My head hurts so bad. My chest is caving in and I don’t know what to do. I sit in a corner and I rock back and forth and I bang my head in the wall and scream at the top of my lungs “this isn’t a game this isn’t a game this isn’t a fucking game”. Why are you playing this fucking game with me?

I know your  not on your meds. I know your head isn’t right. That doesn’t make it ok. That doesn’t make it any easier on me. That doesn’t make a single fucking bit of this ok. You get to move on. You get to erase us. You get to play house with your new life like we never existed. Your GONE! YOUR FUCKING GONE! We’re still here. We still love. We still care. We still breathe you. We still bleed for you. You left us with this giant gaping hole in our lives, and we don’t have anything to fill it in with. Ours hearts are broken. Our insides are torn apart and twisted. We have to look at what you left behind every single fucking day. The sadness on Gavyns face. The tears in my eyes. The pain in Kellies heart. The frustration in Tuckers head. The conversations can’t have with you about her own mental illness. The confusion from Avalee when she looks for you. The silence in this house at night. Even the fucking dogs don’t know where you are.  Having to explain to people what happened. Pj. Grandpa. Matthew and Michael, the y looked everywhere for the fucking turtle, and don’t understand how anyone can be so mean as to take away something they had grown so attached to with no explanation.

I called your doctors. I know it’s all a huge fucking lie. I should have known from the beggining.

The only way I have been able to make this ok in my head is to pretend you have died. Your fucking dead. My best friend, my brother, my child, my love, mine, DEAD. It’s the only way to make it make any sense to me. Unlike my mother, theres no hole in the ground to go and visit. Unlike Shadow, no box of ashes by the front door.

But every once in awhile, it hits me. It hits me that your not dead. Your not. Your living. Breathing. Somewhere. Out there. Without us. Like we never fucking existed. You replaced us. And your living happily ever after ever. It fucking kills me. The panic sets in. It makes me want to die. It makes me want to find you and detroy you. It makes me want to pull out all the stops and destory your entire fucking life for what you did to me. For what you did to us.

So thats what i’m going to do. Thats where I am going to start. Tomorrow I will begin on revenge. I’m going to start detroying your things. I’m going to start destroying you. I……

oh nevermind….i wrote this all down but I dont want to give you any warning…..just like you did to us….so you’ll just have to wait and see….