New Years Resolution….Of Sorts

Well, I promised myself, and a few random others (as though anyones out there, Dear reader?) that I would try to blog more, to write more. Its helped in the past, it helps me get some things out, it gives me a place to talk about things that I just can’t talk to anyone else about. Why is it the way I understand things-the way they make sense to me-and should make sense to anyone and everyone else-Don’t?

They just don’t?

I believe in simple kindness. Truth. Love. Friendships and relationships that last the test of time and can wether a few storms. In not holding a grudge or reliving the past. Knowing when enough is enough.

Call me simple. Call me old fashioned. Call me country, niave, or even stupid. But this is the way I have managed to get through my life. Somewhere along the way though everything changed around me. That used to be enough for everyone, for people, for some people. Its just good honest human values and simple common sense, right? I dont understand why that cant be enough. I just dont get it.

I guess now my worry should be that I have passed these things on to my children. I never taught them to be mean to others. To not care when someone needs them. To disregard the feelings of others in favor of what they want. To kick and trample others to get to the top. I never learned that. My “mean and shitty” gene is messed up in my DNA.

I’ve said it before, I’m just a worm. Everyone kicks me to the side. I’m the runt of the litter-kinda sickly and in need of a little extra warmth and love. Im that girl who always gets pickked last, but I stand here anyways,like an idiot, awaiting my turn. Happily congratulating all the others who go first. Patting them on the back. Wishing , oh god, just dying inside from wishing, that id be next. But pasting that stupid smile on my ridiculous unwanted face as I get passed up again…and again..only to find out that the teams are uneven. no room for me anywhere…..i’ll just sit here and watch and smile, happy for the opportunity.


Another day, another Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptom (I guess???)

I am completely perplexed by my body, my mind, and my sleep schedule as of late. Just a few short days ago, I was literally blogging about how I was sleeping my life away. Begging for anyone to commiserate with me, to no avail I might add.
Now there’s been an odd shift to my non-existent circadian rhythm. At the beginning of the week, I slept several shifts of 20-30 hours each, only being awake for 1-3 hours at a time. Restless, hard, unresponsive, coma-like sleep. The house could’ve burned down around me and IF someone remembered to rescue me, I likely would’ve slept through it.
Now for the odd part. I was exhausted all day Saturday, and we did a lot of work at Grandpas and running him to and fro, so when I came home I collapsed on the couch. I fell asleep around 5:00pm, and woke to Tucker snoring his ass off next to me. So I got him up and moved him to bed.
I’ve been awake

By my calculations, I’m pushing nearly 37 hours right now. I’ve not done anything out of the ordinary. No change in meds. I took my regular meds on time. No pain pills, sleeping pills, or the like.
I’m even drinking decaffeinated tea and not loading up on extra coffee.
I feel a bit like hell. I hurt everywhere. Feels a bit like my body’s taking me for a ride and I am not properly strapped in!
I know there’s a crash and burn coming soon. Something tells me it ain’t gonna be pretty…….