New Years Resolution….Of Sorts

Well, I promised myself, and a few random others (as though anyones out there, Dear reader?) that I would try to blog more, to write more. Its helped in the past, it helps me get some things out, it gives me a place to talk about things that I just can’t talk to anyone else about. Why is it the way I understand things-the way they make sense to me-and should make sense to anyone and everyone else-Don’t?

They just don’t?

I believe in simple kindness. Truth. Love. Friendships and relationships that last the test of time and can wether a few storms. In not holding a grudge or reliving the past. Knowing when enough is enough.

Call me simple. Call me old fashioned. Call me country, niave, or even stupid. But this is the way I have managed to get through my life. Somewhere along the way though everything changed around me. That used to be enough for everyone, for people, for some people. Its just good honest human values and simple common sense, right? I dont understand why that cant be enough. I just dont get it.

I guess now my worry should be that I have passed these things on to my children. I never taught them to be mean to others. To not care when someone needs them. To disregard the feelings of others in favor of what they want. To kick and trample others to get to the top. I never learned that. My “mean and shitty” gene is messed up in my DNA.

I’ve said it before, I’m just a worm. Everyone kicks me to the side. I’m the runt of the litter-kinda sickly and in need of a little extra warmth and love. Im that girl who always gets pickked last, but I stand here anyways,like an idiot, awaiting my turn. Happily congratulating all the others who go first. Patting them on the back. Wishing , oh god, just dying inside from wishing, that id be next. But pasting that stupid smile on my ridiculous unwanted face as I get passed up again…and again..only to find out that the teams are uneven. no room for me anywhere…..i’ll just sit here and watch and smile, happy for the opportunity.

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Just when you needed me most…

So I’m going through a med change right now and I feel like absolute Hell! The 90mgs of morphine ER seemed to have stopped controlling my pain on any level, so I went to talk to my Dr about doing something about it. His suggestion , based on the amount I have taken for the last three years, was that maybe we should switch it up and try the fentanyl patch instead for awhile-and if it didn’t work out-I could always switch back after a month or so. He assured me the switch would be simple. As I am getting slightly more medication from the patch.
Here’s the problem. I totaalllllly feel like I am in the midst of withdrawals from the morphine. I have every symptom, from the chills and sweats, the shakes and aches, the nausea and multiple trips to the bathroom. The last two days have been horrid. I feel like my brain is underwater and I’m so lethargic I can barely move. I’ve scoured the Internet and can find no one else with a similar situation . I just don’t understand what’s going on inside my body chemistry !!!!
So in the midst of this, yesterday, my Darling Son who I’ve mentioned in previous postings, gets caught by my husband, smoking weed on his way home from school.
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.
I want to kill him. All these years I’ve wanted to try medical marijuana but haven’t-because in my husbands head he thinks that would be giving the children a free pass to do it themselves.
After this damned kid has watched his oldest sister destroy her life and tear apart this family and rip my heart out of my chest More than once because of her drug problems.
After everything we’ve done for him this year , killing ourselves to get him into the best school in the area, driving him and his friends 20 miles one way and back to band camp every day for 3 weeks. Becoming fully vested and involved in the band, the booster club, taking LOTS of time out of our lives for his success !!
he goes and does this to us!
He’s meeting with his psychiatrist tomorrow. Some part of me hopes they admit him for a few days just to scare the bejezzus out of him. Part of me wanted to call the police. Part of me wants to homeschool him so he can’t get away from my watchful eyes. Part of me wants to strip his room down to akin to a jail cell. Leave him with a mattress, a sheet, and a blanket, for the rest of the school year .
I don’t know whatI’m supposed to do. he’s 14!!!!
Suggestions?