New Years Resolution….Of Sorts

Well, I promised myself, and a few random others (as though anyones out there, Dear reader?) that I would try to blog more, to write more. Its helped in the past, it helps me get some things out, it gives me a place to talk about things that I just can’t talk to anyone else about. Why is it the way I understand things-the way they make sense to me-and should make sense to anyone and everyone else-Don’t?

They just don’t?

I believe in simple kindness. Truth. Love. Friendships and relationships that last the test of time and can wether a few storms. In not holding a grudge or reliving the past. Knowing when enough is enough.

Call me simple. Call me old fashioned. Call me country, niave, or even stupid. But this is the way I have managed to get through my life. Somewhere along the way though everything changed around me. That used to be enough for everyone, for people, for some people. Its just good honest human values and simple common sense, right? I dont understand why that cant be enough. I just dont get it.

I guess now my worry should be that I have passed these things on to my children. I never taught them to be mean to others. To not care when someone needs them. To disregard the feelings of others in favor of what they want. To kick and trample others to get to the top. I never learned that. My “mean and shitty” gene is messed up in my DNA.

I’ve said it before, I’m just a worm. Everyone kicks me to the side. I’m the runt of the litter-kinda sickly and in need of a little extra warmth and love. Im that girl who always gets pickked last, but I stand here anyways,like an idiot, awaiting my turn. Happily congratulating all the others who go first. Patting them on the back. Wishing , oh god, just dying inside from wishing, that id be next. But pasting that stupid smile on my ridiculous unwanted face as I get passed up again…and again..only to find out that the teams are uneven. no room for me anywhere…..i’ll just sit here and watch and smile, happy for the opportunity.


Long time, no post…

Sorry, I know it’s been awhile. With the kids going back to school, trying to care for my elderly grandfather , dealing with the responsabilities of living life day to day, Drs appointments and family stress/drama, it can get hard to keep up. For some reason this blog, the one cathartic thing that helps me ‘get it all out’ seems to be the first thing to fall by the wayside when the proverbial poo hits the fan. I’ll do my best to remember you, Dear Bloggery.
Everything’s a work in progress.
As I said, the kids have returned to school, sort of. Kellie was unable to get the classes she wanted at the local community college, so she’s taking welding as a random elective to get her foot in the door for next semester. I look forward to strange plant stands and such in the future, and at least it won’t overwhelm her. Whatever is going on with her mental status is making the rest of us want to jump off a bridge lately. She’s been under the same family stress courtesy of my oldest daughter , which I understand, but I don’t know if it’s that, her medications, or her mental illness.
Gavyn’s return to school has meant a lot of long hours courtesy of Marching Band. Toss in the school district redid the school boundaries and he is being bussed past 3 perfectly acceptable high schools to a new one 17 miles from home. He’s off his ADHD medication and the Drs have decided to try an antidepressant. The child has zero impulse control, constantly misbehaves, can’t sit still to save his life, is receiving NO Treatment currently for his Tourette’s Syndrome or ADHD, and gets up at 5:00am daily. He doesn’t return home until we pick him up at 9:00pm 3 days a week. I wonder how long it will be until he cracks and crumbles under the pressure. But on a high note-his mood swings and anger are much improved courtesy of depression treatment. Now if we can just keep him from flunking out because he can’t concentrate on AnYtHiNg. He also now wears his pants around his thighs with his entire underwear covered Ass hanging out, pushing every button I’ve ever had…..

As for me and my daily Fibromyalgia Journey….
Lately, everything’s bad. I hurt. All. The. Time. The 40mg of morphine I’m taking daily don’t seem to be doing Anything anymore. I’m popping Norco just to take the edge off 5 times a day. My quality of life is in the shitter and I’m so fed up with Drs I want to punch them all in the throat. After all the sleep testing-I brought home a monitor for 12 hours and wore it, I did an in house overnight study, I wore a different monitor for 3 weeks, day and night, I did a 24 hour in house sleep study which required no straight sleep, just a series of 8 two hour naps preceded by urine tests and followed by blood tests during that period, a trip to a pulmonologist AND a cardiologist during that time per they’re orders, blood gas draws which hurt like a fucking beast, and yet Another 12 hour overnight sleep study- just trying to get a fucking diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (Which I KNOW DAMN WELL I HAVE) they sleep Drs in they’re infinite wisdom came to the conclusion that I have……………

INSOMNIA!!!!!(really? Well no shit Sherlock)

I’ve had INSOMNIA since I was 12!!!
They’re cure is No Naps, sleep no more than 7 hours a night, and go sit in the sunlight in the morning to “wake myself by absorbing the suns good wake up chemicals”.
Give me a fucking break.
I don’t have INSOMNIA, I have Fibromyalgia. I don’t get up 15 times a night because I enjoy it and I like watching infomercials, I get up because I’m stiff and in so much pain I want to throw myself in front of a moving bus.
And I often feel “unplugged”, like I can’t physically move, eat, breathe, or even pee, and will slip into a deep comatose slumber that at times has lasted (I kid you not) 42 hours without having done a single one of the afore mentioned activities that will take me days to recover from because I have CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME.
And I didn’t even go to medical school to figure that out, nor am I a frickin genius from another country!!

Or maybe it’s neither. I’m starting to hypothesise that maybe, just maybe I don’t have Fibromyalgia, or CFS, or any of the 26 other things I’m diagnosed with. Everything’s been getting so much progressively worse lately, my brain keeps frikin telling me “IT’S GOT TO BE SOMETHING MORE”!!!!! There’s GOT to be more to it than JUST fibromyalgia. It’s worse. It’s something else. Fibro isn’t supposed to get steadily worse, and it’s not supposed to be this Severe. I HURT ALL THE TIME!
There’s got to be an answer out there!
There has to be!
I refuse to give up. I want my life back! I’ve got to figure this out, one way or another!
It’s MY life! I don’t want to live in this half dead body anymore!

(I’ve got so much more to write about, please comment if you want to hear it, otherwise I just feel like I’m rambling on about nothing to no one. Please and Thank You)